If you’re part of a stepfamily, you can help save your sanity during any busy family season by emphasising fairness, pulling together as “one team” and carving out quality time together.
There is nothing like a special occasion to bring out both the best and the worst in any family. Add a stepfamily into the mix and you have the potential for wonderful memories… or a level of emotional turbulence that makes you want to hide in the pantry with a packet of biscuits.
Children seem to have an inbuilt fairness radar, and it goes into hypersensitive mode when they live in a stepfamily. Parents and stepparents should also be mindful that research shows children often behave in a hostile or withdrawn manner when they feel they’ve been treated unfairly. Which raises the big question: how do you create a sense of fairness and harmony during holidays, celebrations or any high‑pressure family period?
Build a “one team” mindset
Every stepfamily is unique. No matter how or when your family came together, it helps to develop a “one team” identity rather than holding on to separate groups within the household (biological versus step). The more you can build this shared identity, the greater your chances of achieving harmony.
Busy seasons are a great time to strengthen this. Do things together — beach trips, movie nights, board games, backyard cricket, whatever suits your crew. If you’re planning a getaway, ask each family member to choose one activity that everyone can participate in. This helps maintain a sense of fairness and gives everyone a voice.
A simple family meeting before the holiday or event can also work wonders. Let everyone share what they hope to do, what they need, and what would help the time feel enjoyable.
Avoid the guilt‑spending trap
Special occasions can be financially stressful, and parents who don’t have their children full‑time may feel tempted to compensate with extravagant gifts. But children value time, attention and connection far more than anything wrapped in paper. It’s what you do together that becomes the memory, not the toy that ends up under the bed by next year.
Create belonging in small, everyday ways
A sense of belonging is one of the most powerful gifts you can give a stepchild. Small gestures help:
- get everyone in the household to sign cards sent to extended family
- give gifts jointly from both you and the stepparent
- encourage extended family to treat stepchildren as core members of the family
- ask grandparents, aunties and uncles to take an interest in your stepchildren just as they would with biological children
These small acts reinforce the message: you belong here.
Keep the schedule realistic
Many families try to split children between households on the same day during big celebrations. While well‑intentioned, this can leave kids overstimulated, exhausted and emotional by the end of the day.
If possible, consider alternating full celebration days each year, or creating your own special celebration on a different day. Children rarely complain about having two special days.
Set simple, consistent household rules
School holidays and busy seasons can be chaotic. Simple, clear rules that apply to everyone help keep things calm. Hold a family meeting to create your household rules together — even young children can contribute. Ask the kids to help come up with consequences too. You may be surprised by how fair and reasonable they can be when they feel included.
Rules work best when they are few, fair and applied consistently.
Look after yourself too
Parenting is demanding, and step‑parenting adds an extra layer of emotional complexity. Make sure you take time out for yourself, especially during busy periods. Rest is not a luxury; it’s essential for being the parent or stepparent you want to be.
Ages & Stages: Bonding Activities for Stepchildren
Under‑5s
- Build sandcastles
- Collect shells and make a collage
- Play dress‑ups or do face painting
5 to 8 years
- Make thank‑you cards
- Go swimming together
- Take a bike ride somewhere new
9 to 12 years
- Play Twister (you are never too old)
- Play outdoor sports like tennis, cricket or soccer
- Go for “walks ’n’ talks”
The more the family can include their stepchildren/stepparents as core members within their family unit, the stronger the sense of belonging will be for everyone.
Celia Falchi is part of a research group called CHERUBS (Children’s Environments: Research Unit for Behavioural Studies) at Massey University, and a Doctoral Student in Clinical Psychology.
