In times of distress, children look to their parents for comfort, guidance, and a sense of safety. This guide offers practical ways to support your child’s emotional well-being, helping them process their feelings and build resilience in challenging moments.
Understanding and supporting your child
Following any distressing and heartbreaking events, parents around the country may find themselves faced with more questions than certainties about their everyday lives. Many parents may be asking: Is it still safe for my family? How do we respond to our children’s questions and fears? How do we create a sense of safety and continuity for our children? Parents may find their own life journeys echoing and reflecting some of these questions. It is a time of enormous loss, grief, and change, but also a time of reflection, gathering, and hope.
In the aftermath of these distressing, life-altering situations, we often witness extraordinary acts of courage, generosity, kindness, determination, teamwork, leadership, and compassion. Many of these acts come from children. These “silver lining stories” are pivotal in a child’s healing from trauma and loss, helping children regain competence, optimism, and trust in their future.
Know that children are sensitive to how their parents feel
It’s easy to assume that children, particularly young children, don’t know what’s going on when a crisis occurs. But they are incredibly sensitive to their parents’ feelings and keenly aware of the nonverbal cues parents give: worried facial expressions, hushed conversations, shutting down their phone or changing the TV channel when children enter the room. It can be scary for children to realise that their parents are scared.
Children hear and see things, particularly in this uber-connected world where devices are a part of daily life. Be aware of what they’re looking at online, and if they ask questions or you overhear them talking to others, ask what they think happened. If the answer is, “I don’t know,” perhaps the best reply would be something like, “I’m sad because something terrible happened, and I am worried. But I love you, and I will take care of you.” It’s important to let children know that it’s okay to feel sad, worried, or scared, so they don’t feel the need to hide their feelings. Our job as parents is to help them accept their feelings as natural and normal, which helps them manage their feelings better and with more confidence.
Stress responses in children
Traumatic events can initially affect a child’s sense of self, unsettling their trust in the world as a reasonably safe and predictable place. However, given time to recover and heal, most children who have been affected will return to their normal selves. Children can fear more than we may apprehend because they may not express these fears directly.
Physical symptoms often accompany stress and loss. Some children may develop stomach upsets, nausea, headaches, fatigue, anxiety symptoms, emotional swings, and sleep problems. Younger children may temporarily lose some developmental skills they had achieved before the event, such as resorting to bedwetting or becoming more clingy. Older children may experience delayed stress reactions, showing up as decreased performance at school. These are normal responses to extraordinary stress, and these fears, behaviours, and physical symptoms typically diminish over time.
Each person develops their way of coping, actively searching for ways to hold on to what is important and precious to them. Seen in this light, some regressive behaviours are a young person’s way of coping. For instance, a child may demand more attention and cuddles to help reconnect them with a sense of safety and feeling loved.
If your child does not seem to be returning to their “old self” in time, don’t hesitate to reach out to your GP or Plunket nurse. You can always call Plunketline on 0800 933 922 for advice.
How parents and others can help children
Talking it through
Create spaces where your child can talk about their concerns or fears and have them acknowledged and respected. Don’t rush in too quickly with solutions. Often children reconnect with their own inner strengths once they have had the space just to express their fears. While some children feel the need to keep replaying events to make sense of them, others may not want to talk about their experiences. Honour each child’s uniqueness. Creating conversations that recognise a child’s skills in helping and coping can reinforce particular strengths.
Expressing feelings
After a crisis, it’s normal for children to feel and express a wide range of emotions, from appreciation and caring to irritability, anxiety, and sadness. Accepting these emotions and helping children connect with some unexpressed emotions helps them feel safe and validated. At the same time, it is important to continue setting limits around behaviour that isn’t acceptable. Encouraging competence, reconnecting with normal routines, and offering affection helps children feel secure again.
Bouncing back
Children are naturally wired toward growth. When guided, affirmed, and supported, they have wonderful inner resources to bounce back after adversity. If your child’s confidence has been knocked, help them broaden their range of hobbies and skills when they’re ready, such as rock climbing, carpentry, creative writing, or music. These activities can strengthen their sense of mastery and competence, helping them move forward.
Writing it down
Writing things down can help children process their “big feelings” about difficult events. Even younger children can draw or colour pictures that narrate their experiences and understanding. This helps children have their story and understanding validated, remembering qualities like caring and courage in spite of fear, and recognising what’s important to them now. They may wish to draw a picture or write a card to show their caring and compassion.
Look for the helpers
Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” This advice is still comforting. Help children focus on the helpers: the police, doctors, nurses, friends, and communities around the country who are reaching out. If your local church, community organisation, or your child’s school is raising awareness or fundraising for affected families, consider getting involved and letting your child become one of the “helpers” too.
For yourself
A life-changing event like this brings stress, so for parents to effectively support their children, they also need to take care of themselves. Lessening your own worries and stress helps to diminish your child’s fear. So take good care of yourself.
