For most parents with more than one child, the constant bickering can send you absolutely up the wall. “I had it first”, “get out of my room”, “muuuummmm, she hit me” is on a constant loop – day in, day out. Sibling rivalry is obviously not a new phenomenon, caveman siblings probably fought over the last leaf at dinner, but it’s something that, as a parent, can grate on your last nerve.
According to Laurie Kramer, Professor of Applied Family Studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, siblings between the ages of two and four years old will have more than one clash every 10 minutes. Siblings aged three to seven years old will have an average of three-and-a-half clashes per hour. That’s a lot of clashes.
So what can we do about it?
Where does sibling rivalry stem from?
There are a number of reasons why siblings bicker, including jealousy, competition, conflicting needs, age, development and temperament.
All children naturally seek their parents’ attention and approval, and siblings may feel they need to compete to get it. One sibling may think the other is “loved more” or “gets more”, and they want that attention as well. This is especially true if parents unknowingly compare, favour, or treat their children differently.
Some children may also be naturally more assertive, while others are quieter or more sensitive. This can lead to conflicts, misunderstandings, or even power struggles. Age gaps and different developmental stages can then exacerbate these power struggles.
Older siblings may feel pressured to act responsibly and sometimes feel jealous of the attention that younger siblings receive. They may then resent the responsibilities or expectations put on them. Whereas, younger siblings may go through stages where they assert independence and test boundaries. They may want to copy the older sibling or be able to do the same things they do, which can annoy the older sibling.
The long-term effects
Sibling rivalry can have significant emotional and psychological effects on children which, if not addressed, can affect them in the long-term. Your children may…
- develop beliefs that they’re less valued or appreciated than their sibling(s);
- worry that they are not good enough, which can lead to anxiety and stress;
- build up resentment toward their sibling(s) and sometimes even towards you;
- struggle to manage emotions or resolve conflicts constructively in relationships outside the family;
- emotionally grow apart from their sibling(s), which can affect their ability to have a close relationship in the future.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom. When sibling rivalry is managed well and children are taught to understand each other’s perspectives, it can help foster empathy and compassion. Learning to compromise, share, and support each other in the face of rivalry can strengthen sibling bonds and help them develop valuable interpersonal skills.
Strategies to create a calm home
According to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of the book Siblings Without Rivalry (Bonnier, $32.99), it’s important to create a healthy “relationship climate” among children at a young age. And it’s up to you, the parents, to provide the guidance.
Understand their feelings
When dealing with sibling conflicts, you first need to understand your children’s feelings. For them, what may seem like a petty fight is actually much more important. Don’t place blame on your children but instead, ask them to describe their feelings and put yourself in their shoes. Have one-on-one time with each of your children to talk about how they are feeling about their sibling(s), giving them a chance to share their thoughts without judgment.
Remove roles
Often we give children roles without being aware of it, such as “the responsible one”, or “the troublemaker”. When children are assigned roles, they may feel confined to specific expectations and feel pressure to perform in ways that meet those expectations. This can breed resentment between siblings and discourage children from trying new things or developing skills outside their label.
Try to be aware of the roles you are limiting your children to and allow them to be free to grow, adapt, pursue interests and make mistakes. Appreciate their individual characteristics and move away from gender and birth order biases.
Encourage active listening
Teaching active listening is important.
This is a communication technique that involves fully focusing on, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what someone else is saying. Sitting your children down and asking them to really listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings is the first step to conflict resolution.
Set clear family rules
Type out a list of firm boundaries that cannot be crossed and stick them somewhere prominent in your home. Establish rules about respect, kindness, and fair play, making sure each child understands them. Emphasise the importance of using words rather than physical responses to express frustration, and make clear the consequences of not following the rules.
Encourage individuality and avoid comparisons
Make an effort to celebrate each child’s unique strengths and interests, showing them that they don’t need to compete with their sibling to be valued. Avoid comparing siblings to one another, praise their own efforts and achievements to foster confidence without competition. “By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child,” say Faber and Mazlish.
Stay neutral during conflicts
Try not to take sides in arguments; instead, encourage them to resolve issues by listening to both perspectives in order to mutually end the argument. If things escalate, separate them and allow a “cool-down” period, before bring them back together to discuss the problem calmly. If they still can’t find a solution, you can state the facts of what you see and offer some ideas.
Encourage teamwork
Give your children tasks, games or projects where they have to work together. Applaud teamwork efforts to encourage cooperation and friendship, and remind them they’re on the same team in your family.
Praise positive interactions
Acknowledge and praise moments when siblings show kindness, cooperation, or support toward one another. Reinforcing positive behaviour can encourage them to interact constructively on their own.
Model positive behaviour
Demonstrate respectful and constructive communication with your partner and children at home to model effective conflict resolution. Children often mimic behaviours they see, so modelling healthy relationships sets a powerful example.
How do you know when it’s gone too far?
“We can play fight, not real fight, only by mutual consent,” say Faber and Mazlish. “No one can take pleasure at the expense of another – physically, verbally, or emotionally.”
If sibling rivalry is not improving, or escalating, professional help may be needed. A few signs you may need expert intervention include…
Aggression or violence: Occasional pushing or shoving can happen, but if sibling interactions escalate to hitting, punching biting, or other aggressive behaviours that cause injury, the rivalry has reached an unhealthy level.
Bullying: If one child is consistently the aggressor and another is always the victim, it may have turned into bullying, which can create a power imbalance and can cause long-term emotional harm.
Interference with daily life: If the rivalry is causing major disruptions, such as refusal to attend family events, avoidance of each other at home, or withdrawal from shared activities, it’s impacting the family dynamic significantly and needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Parent-child relationship strain: If the rivalry puts parents in a constant position of referee or causes tension with one or both children, it can harm the long-term parent-child relationship.
If these situations are happening in your home, please seek professional help from a qualified child/adolescent psychologist or counsellor.
