How to help your children cope when things go wrong

As parents, it is our first instinct to shield our children from difficult situations or to do everything we can to resolve any issues that they have. From struggling with homework to the death of a family pet – we don’t want our children to feel stress like we do, and we don’t want them to feel sad or emotional.

But we also have to realise that that is not real life. We need to start building resilience in our children, so they have the tools to manage life situations themselves. In simple terms, we want to give our children the skills they need to “bounce back” in an emotionally healthy way.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is a person’s ability to navigate and adapt to challenges, setbacks, or difficulties with strength and determination.

In teaching our children to be resilient, we are not asking them to ignore their problems or “suck up” their emotions. Instead, we are encouraging them to face their challenges and find ways to overcome obstacles.

There are a number of key aspects of resilience when it comes to young children:

• Emotional regulation: the ability to manage their reactions and behaviour to feelings and things happening around them.
• Problem-solving skills: actively seeking solutions to obstacles and challenges.
• Adaptability: adjusting to new situations and finding solutions.
• Coping mechanisms: finding healthy strategies to manage stress and difficult emotions.
• Support-seeking: knowing when to ask for help from parents, teachers, and other trusted adults.

According to The Education Hub:

“Children with higher resilience tend to have more positive outcomes, including greater wellbeing, and exhibit fewer problem behaviours at school and later in life.”

How Can Stress Affect Children?

Stress can affect children in a number of ways – from physical pain, such as abdominal cramps or headaches, to emotional outbursts, such as extreme crying, screaming, or aggressive behaviour. Other manifestations of stress in children, from toddlers to teens, include:

Emotional signs

• Increased irritability or mood swings
• Anxiety or excessive worrying
• Withdrawal from family or friends
• Fearfulness or clinginess

Behavioural signs

• Changes in sleep patterns (trouble sleeping or sleeping too much)
• Loss of appetite or overeating
• Avoiding school or activities they usually enjoy
• Increased tantrums or acting out
• Regressive behaviours (e.g. thumb-sucking, bedwetting in younger children)

Physical signs

• Feeling tired or lacking energy
• Tense muscles or restlessness
• Frequent illnesses

Cognitive signs

• Trouble concentrating or forgetfulness
• Decline in school performance
• Negative self-talk or loss of confidence

The 7 Cs of Resilience

American paediatrician, Professor of Paediatrics and author Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg specialises in resilience-building in children and teens. Known for his work in positive youth development and stress management, he developed the “7 Cs of Resilience.” Each of the 7 Cs represents key qualities that contribute to emotional strength and the ability to overcome challenges.

1. Competence – The ability for a child to handle challenges and solve problems effectively on their own.
How you can help:

• Encourage problem-solving rather than solving problems for them
• Let your child make decisions and mistakes, and experience consequences in a safe way
• Praise effort and progress, not just results

2. Confidence – A child’s belief in their own abilities and strengths.
How you can help:

• Recognise their strengths and celebrate specific achievements – e.g. “You did a great job building that LEGO house!”
• Focus on positive behaviours such as kindness, integrity, and persistence
• Encourage your child to try new things without fear of failure

3. Connection – Knowing they are loved unconditionally and have strong, healthy relationships with family, teachers, friends, and the wider community for support.
How you can help:

• Spend quality time together and offer kisses, cuddles, and say “I love you”
• Let your child express their feelings and emotions, rather than suppressing them
• Foster a sense of belonging by encouraging positive friendships and relationships
• Teach them that they are loved unconditionally, even when they make mistakes

4. Character – Having a sense of integrity, values, and knowing the difference between right and wrong.
How you can help:

• Discuss with your child the difference between right and wrong and how their behaviour and actions can affect others
• Teach skills of empathy and caring for others
• Be a role model – show honesty, kindness, and respect in your own daily life
• Encourage your child to have integrity, stand up for what they think is right, and be a good friend

5. Contribution – Understanding that helping others gives purpose and meaning.
How you can help:

• Explain to your child that many people in the world don’t have the same things they do – such as food, money, and a safe home
• Encourage small acts of kindness and show how their efforts can make a difference
• Praise acts of contribution and kindness
• Allow your child to help someone if they wish to do so (in a safe way)

6. Coping – Knowing healthy ways to manage stress, emotions, and setbacks.
How you can help:

• Teach your child the difference between a large crisis that can have lasting consequences, and a small crisis that is happening in the moment
• Help your children to identify emotions and express them in healthy ways, such as: “I’m feeling angry because…” or “I’m feeling sad because…”
• Demonstrate breathing exercises, journaling, or physical activity to help relieve stress
• Encourage positive self-talk instead of dwelling on mistakes

7. Control – Recognising that personal choices and actions have an impact.
How you can help:

• Let your child make age-appropriate choices, such as choosing an outfit, setting goals, or getting a part-time job
• Reward demonstrated responsibility
• Show them that even with very small decisions and successes, they will feel more empowered

While, as parents, we can model and encourage resilience, it’s just like any other life skill. Your child may make mistakes along the way, but the more they exercise resilience, the easier it will be for them to face challenges, persevere, “bounce back,” and be a thriving adult in years to come.

Story by Charlotte Cowan