We’ve all been there. They’re hungry? We grab a snack. They can’t find their shoes? We’re already halfway down the hall looking for them. But what if, every once in a while, we hit pause on the instant problem-solving? Not to be harsh or unhelpful, but as a way to teach our kids a skill that will serve them for life: clear communication.
A Simple Shift
Let’s say your child says, “I’m thirsty.” Instead of immediately rushing to grab a glass of water, take a beat and respond, “What would you like to do about it?” They might reply, “Drink water.” Then you can ask, “Do you need help getting the water?” If they say yes, you can sum it up: “Okay, so you’re thirsty, you want water, and you need my help to get it.”
Instead of diving into the hunt when they say they can’t find their shoes, you could say, “Where do you think they might be?” They might respond, “In my room,” and you can follow up with, “Do you need help checking there?” This back-and-forth guides them through problem-solving while ensuring they feel supported.
Why This Matters
Kids often rely on vague statements or indirect cues to express what they need. While it’s tempting to interpret or jump to action, this habit can leave them struggling to communicate effectively as they grow. By guiding them through the process of identifying their problem, expressing their need, and asking for help, you’re giving them a powerful toolkit for life.
This becomes even more important as children grow into teenagers. Teenagers often experience complex emotions but struggle to pinpoint what they truly want. They may feel overwhelmed, but can’t articulate whether they need more space, more autonomy, or more support. By teaching them these communication skills early, you’re equipping them to recognise and verbalise their needs in a healthy way; even when, or, especially, when these needs are conflicting or contradictory. For example, a teenager might learn to say, “I need help, but I don’t want you to do it for me, I want it to still feel like I did well on my own.”
Adults who never learned how to express their needs might become frustrated, expecting others to automatically know what they want (or to ‘read their mind’); a spouse might say, “I’m stressed” but struggle to elaborate on what they need—space, comfort, or a solution. Without practice articulating their needs, it can lead to misunderstandings or unnecessary conflict.
This exercise also fosters a sense of agency. Instead of feeling like their needs are magically met by someone else, kids and teenagers start to see themselves as active participants in solving their own problems—with a little help when they need it.
How to Do This Nicely (And Not All the Time)
Before you imagine this as a rigid rulebook, let’s be clear: this isn’t something you need to do 24/7. It’s an exercise, not a lifestyle mandate. There are plenty of moments where grabbing a snack or finding the shoes is perfectly fine (and much faster). But when the timing feels right, and you have a little extra patience, it’s worth trying.
The key is tone. This isn’t about testing your child or frustrating them; it’s about gently guiding them. Use an encouraging, curious tone and make it a positive experience.
The Bigger Picture
This approach goes beyond solving everyday problems. It teaches kids how to:
- Recognise Their Needs: Identifying what they want or need is the first step to effective communication.
- Articulate Clearly: Putting those needs into words helps them connect with others and navigate the world confidently.
- Ask for Help Thoughtfully: Learning to ask for help in a specific, actionable way is a skill that benefits them well into adulthood.