Considering getting your child their first phone? Read this advice from Sheridan Eketone, parenting coach at Parenting Place, first.
For parents born in the ’80s or early ’90s, the idea of an 11- or 12-year-old having a phone can seem outrageous. If we managed to survive without one ’till we were 16, why can’t they? But with more and more children toting smartphones at school, the pressure on parents to buy their child a phone can be extreme. Before you succumb to the pressure, here are some things to think about.
What’s the ideal age for a child to get their first phone, and what factors should parents consider?
There’s no single “ideal age” for a first phone. Your child’s sense of responsibility and emotional maturity should be your guides – and this happens at different times for every child. Your family’s needs will also be an important consideration. Some questions you might consider include:
- What does my child actually need a phone for?
- Can they look after something valuable?
- Do they go between homes or have after-school commitments where communication matters?
- Are they starting to show independence in other areas of life?
Developing brains are still learning how to decipher risk, respond to peer pressure and bounce back from negative interactions, so restricting access until your child is emotionally ready is really important.
It’s also important to note that a first device doesn’t have to be a smartphone. You might consider a family phone where you share it, or a “dumb phone” – which is like one of the old-school phones with no internet or apps – or even wearable technology, like smart watches.
How can parents set healthy boundaries around phone use?
Kids don’t love boundaries, but they need them – especially when it comes to devices. It’s normal for kids to push back, and for parents to feel unsure. But the reality is that standing firm on a boundary, even when it feels tough, communicates to your child that “this is important, because you are important”.
Boundaries might look like parental controls on devices, screen-time limits, app restrictions, Wi-Fi cut-offs in the evening, or tech-free zones in the house. A digital agreement can help make these expectations clear. Think of it like a digital learner’s license – your child might not be ready for full speed just yet.
We recommend keeping bedrooms and bathrooms phone-free to protect sleep and safety and storing devices in shared spaces at night. You might also want to set rules around devices at mealtimes, bedtime or homework time.
It’s also helpful to talk to your child about how to handle peer pressure. If their mates expect constant replies, let your child use family rules as an “excuse”. Support your child to build self-regulation and confidence, even if your family’s rules look different from others’.
What are some red flags that a child may not yet be ready for the responsibility of a phone?
Red flags could look like constantly losing or forgetting their belongings, struggling to follow house rules or showing little self-control when it comes to screen time. If your child often acts impulsively, hides things or behaviours that they don’t think you’d agree with, or if they’re easily upset in social situations, these are signs to hold fire for a bit longer. A phone requires trust, honesty and responsibility. If these aren’t there yet, it’s worth holding off until they can demonstrate maturity and handle smaller freedoms well.
How do you recommend parents handle screen time, especially when it comes to social media and messaging apps?
Keep the conversations going with them. Ask them who they’re chatting with, who they’re following on TikTok and what they’re finding funny, or annoying. Encourage breaks, getting outside, offline activities, and hangouts with friends beyond screens. Help them turn off push notifications if they’re distracting or overwhelming. And perhaps most importantly, model the behaviours around social media and messaging apps that you want your kids to adopt.
You will get more trust and respect from your kids if you practice what you preach. Could you make a quick call to a friend rather than messaging back and forth? Could you invite them over for a coffee rather than writing an essay via WhatsApp?
Are there specific parental control tools or apps you suggest for managing content and usage?
When it comes to keeping your child safe online, a mix of parental controls and family rules works best. There are loads of free tools available to help with filtering adult or violent content across all connected devices. You might also want to explore services like Net Shield, McAfee or Safe Surfer. Some handy guides for the nuts and bolts include:
- Parental controls: keepitrealonline.govt.nz/parents/controls-and-settings
- Online safety tools: netsafe.org.nz/parents-and-caregivers
- Family sharing and screentime: support.apple.com/en-nz/108380
- Google Family Link: families.google/familylink/
- Parents’ guides: commonsensemedia.org/parents-ultimate-guides
- Digital agreement: spark.co.nz/content/dam/spark/documents/pdfs/brand-experience/spark-parenting-place-phone-agreement.pdf
How can parents encourage open communication about online safety, bullying, and inappropriate content?
Kids need to know they can bring concerns to you without fear. That sense of safety is shaped by how you react. One of the biggest worries for kids is that their device will be taken off them. For them, it’s not just screen time, it’s their connection to friends and their digital world.
A helpful approach is to talk ahead of time about “what if” scenarios around dodgy content, bullying or roasting and unwanted messaging. Trust grows through daily connection – listening without rushing to fix, being curious about their online worlds, and reminding them nothing is too big to share.
Keep the conversation open by weaving online life into everyday chat, normalising mistakes (including your own), and practicing your poker face when surprises arise. Remind them that you won’t confiscate their device if they tell you, instead you’ll figure it out together. Us adults are learning as we go – just as our kids are!
